So I am staying home today, for certain reasons, oh well.
anyways I just had this random thought and memory.
and I realized that I miss INDOOR RECESS. I actually miss recess too.
but I loved indoor recess, I don't remember why though, but everytime it rained, I just loved it,
And when you would come to school in the mornings and it was pouring, they would let you inside the school,
And then you would have to line up outside your door until the teacher came,
And if you were in a portable that would suck because then you would have to run to your portable
Check if the teacher's there, if she's not, then run back to the school, and wait inside, by that time, you are soaking wet..
such a hassle but it was always fun.
so I'm going to go now, and watch the rain pour <3
oh how I love the sound and smells of rain.

peace.
love.
twilight.

-nicoleeeee

no name.

FUCK
MY
LIFE.
seriously.

Let It Be ( 8 )

raaaaaaaaant,
mkaay, here goes nothing..

1. I'm so sick of school, like seriously, i see a point to it, but honestly, all of my classes are s h i t . like, they're all full of immature people who don't know went to shut up and listen. Sometimes, i talk, but i know when to listen, like just grow up and be matureee.

2. This i'm not even going to say on the internet, because it definitely WILL hurt someone's feelings, and they would know who they were.
so umm,
just ONE thing,
GET A FUCKIN GRIP ON REALITY.
kthnksbye.

3. This isn't really rant- ish. but semii is in 2 days? i believe, and i am TOTALLY not looking forward to it at all.
i hate school dances. but whatever, i 'promised' some people i would go, so i guess i am, plus i already have my ticket :O

4. this was a stupid point, that i would probably get made of for putting on this, but whatevs. its my fcking blog, whatever, nevermind. -.-'

5. OKAYOKAYOKAY, obsessing. i dislike people who obsess. okay not in that way, because i obsess over twilight, but people who obsess over something they don't even know about, and then they go on buying all of this stuff about it, and gets FUCKING ANNOYING, seriously, you don't even know what you are talking about. and then it gets to the point that you just want to punch this person in the face about whatever they are obsessing about, gooodd. like act like a normal being, no one wants to hear about it every ten seconds, no one cares about what you saw, or anything like that.

6. Movies & Actors. I really dislike when people go see a movie JUST because of the actor, i personally have never done that in my life, i always go for the plot, but people just see it because they think that actor or actress is goodlooking.
two examples.
a) Harry Potter and The Goblet Of Fire, i absolutely LOVED this movie, like i love harry potter. but when twilight became big, and robert pattinson became known, EVERYONE just started watching it because of HIM. like were you even paying attention to the rest? or were you just watching it for him, seriously?
b) Various Zac Efron movies, today i went to go see 17 Again, and i went in for the plot, OH HEY! IT DESCRIBED MY LIFE TOO. made me cry, fck. but anyways, i bet half of the girls in that theatre today went in because of zac efron. and with Hairspray, i didn't go see it for him, yes, i knew he was in it, but i saw it for the plot & i had seen the original hairspray before that.
oh and apparently he was in some horse movie? first of all, i don't care how HOT he is, i am not sitting through some gay ass horse movie for him.
and second, i don't even know.

so anyways, it just bugs me that people go see movies JUST for actors.

7. i'm on a rant- fest, LEAVE ME ALONE.
kso where was i? oh yea! i hate people who read books AFTER seeing the movie,
i swear to god, it just ruins the book.
because you already have the characters appearance, and everything.and then when a scene you saw in the movie wasn't in the book, you would get all upset.
ISN'T IT SUPPOSED TO BE THE OTHER WAY AROUND?
i don't know, this also bugs me.

8. I totally miss my bestfriend. seriously, i regret doing what i did. although you will never see this, i regret what i did in march, i'm sorry i deleted you, i did send you the money though, i know, now that you probably never got it, and those messages you sent to me, i hated. they hurt. i really want to make it up to you, i want to speak to you again, unfortunately the internet is the only way, considering the fact that you are like however miles away from me, we had good times together, and the fact that you were my age made it even better. we made facebook groups together, always laughs, you would actually make me laugh out loud, you were my best friend, the one i could come home to, go on facebook, and talk to for hours on end. i really miss you, and i know you will never see this. maybe, i'll talk to you again someday, we really had a friendship, and you said that you shouldn't trust people that you met on the internet, i was wrong to delete you, i'm sorry.

9. Religion retreat tomorrow, fml. we have to go for a hike, like WTF?!?! my back is KILLING me, hmph. i'll get out of it xD

10. i'm going to go now, and do something.

peace.
love.
twilight ?

- nicoleeee. ( L )

What The Hell ?!

So i woke up this morning,
and my backkk was KILLING me.
like wtf?
i wanted to die.
my back is still killing..
not to mention the fact that i kind of sorta of woke up a little late,
and came to school a little late...
blah whatevs.
i bought a chocolate milk today, it was 1.30 for MILK.
wtf??!
and my back was still hurting THEN too.
fml.
i'm bored.
and i'm at school right nao.
supposed to be working on a stupid science project but i'm not,
so i'm gonna go right now,

peace.
love.
twilight.
(:
<3

-nicoleee

I Can Walk On Water, I Can Fly (8)

haaaai,
long time no speak blog, again :(

anyways, i'm confused. =|
i'm having mixed feelings about everything.
especially myself.
i don't know what the right choices are anymore,
everything is just out there, all these decisions,
and i don't know which ones to make.
like semii,
i want to go but don't.
like i don't know if i want to.
because all the teachers are always like "There's always going to be the people who went, and the people who wondered what happened, because they didn't go."
but i don't know if i actually want to go,
because i actually hate school dances,
because everyone usually ends up 'depressed & crying' at the end. for some stupid reason.
+ i don't even have a dress
and i can't dance. :/
+ i have no money for a dress, and an 'outfit' and no way in h e l l am i wearing my grad dress. . .

blaah. my life s u c k s.
another thing that has to do with school and money.
they always keep charging us money for things,
like why do we have to pay two dollars to wear our own CLOTHES.
seriously.
and then we have to pay ten dollars for some religion retreat about friendship, yeaa, thats going to be fun :|
then another five dollars to pay some guest speaker, who isn't even coming for another like two months or whatever,
seriously, think about the recession people.
-.-'

i am so sick of some people too.
like fakes and posers, and just people in general.
i would expand, but y'knowww, tis personal, even for the interwebz (:

oh. i found out why i loved twilight again. xD
i kind of hate it, and love it at the same time.
i mean, like its so popular now, you just get sick of it.
it was waaaaaaay better before the movie came out, seriously,
like barely anyone knew about it,
now i see people with it EVERYWHERE,
i guess this sounds kind of mean,
but i had to get it out...

i l i k e t o p a r t y (:

peace.
love.
twilight.
<3
(:

- nicoleee.

I Want To Say "FML" But I Won't

Uggghhh, I have so much shit to do right now,
I can't handle it anymore,
There is the stress of home and the stress of school.
I feel like I'm going to spontaneously combust.
I can't handle anything anymore,
I'm going to break down any second now,
And I have no support whatsoever,
Everyone is relying on me,
And when I don't get anything done, they yell at me,
Like what did I do wrong? I'm sorry I can't get it done,
But I just can't. I know it's my fault, but it's also their fault too,
I'm so sick of everyone relying on me,
I just can't do it anymore.
There is too much pressure and too many people depending on me,
I'm not always going to be there for you, I'll try my best, but still.

Things Change, People Change, Life Is Just One Big Mess

life is harder, you never know what you are going to get, people change, promises are broken, but you just have to keep on living, no matter what, no matter how your life has drastically changed in almost a year, you just have to keep moving forward, believe me i would know, somethings are going to change, and i'm just going to have to bear through them, it's going to be a struggle, but i hope i can do it.
there are going to be many tears, and maybe even goodbyes, but who knows? maybe it'll be for the better, i just don't want to do this, but it's not my decision to make, shit happens, and there are consequences, i don't know what i ever did to deserve this, because i know it is not my fault, but i am one of the 'victims' that has to live through this. and i just want it to end and everything to be better, please?
i'd do anything, just to make our lives better, i am forced to put on a fake smile everyday, because if i cried, at school, everyone would treat me different, like the weakest link, if it wasn't that way, i would cry every minute of the day, you don't know what it's like. A year ago, i thought my life was the best, i had it all planned out for me, i knew what i wanted, and thought i was going to be happy, but then my life just came plummeting down, i'm failing school, i used to be an A student. i've changed, we all have. . . just from one tiny decision.

True Story / Fact Of Life

I have no friends.

I Felt Like I Needed To Post Something

haaaaii blog.
long time no speak.
i attempted to write a story yesterday, epic fail.
i guess i suck at writing.
well hey, atleast i tried it right?
i'm trying to try new things, well things i can try to do.
things that don't cost money,
i've tried song writing, story writing, and poems but all of them are epic fails.
i've tried dancing, enough said/
singing.. .. lets not even go there.
i've tried to edit photos, i suck.
i suck at the flute, okay well not really, the teacher says i'm okaaay at it,
but i bet other people are better.
i want to start trying different things,
but idk what!

on another note, i don't know if i have mentioned this,
but i'm not allowing myself to think,
i guess it sounds kind of dumb,
but so far its been working,
allowing myself to think,
is like allowing myself to get depressed,
so it kind of sucks.
i always have to keep my mind busy now,
so i'm either reading, listening to music, or just sticking to the facts.
i think sometimes, but its very basic.
thoughts are hard to block out. D:

something else!
i hate when people ditch you.
okay, not really.
but if you are having like a dep conversation about your feelings.
and then they ask "Whats wrong?" and then you reply.
then they reply with like "i know how you feel"
and then you say something to expand, and then they just don't answer.
like wtf is that.

anyways,
i'm going to costco nao.

peaceeee (:
loveeeee (:
twilight. (:

Random.

you're queer.
and I hate you.
but somehow I still like you?
you barely talk to me anymore,
and think you are better than everyone else,
but still, when I see you,
a huge smile spreads across my face,
like all of those emotions are forgotten,
I like the person i used to know in you,
I know he might still be there,
but i have to find him.
somehow I think I will never forget you,
you will always have a piece of my heart with you, I've tried to move on, but the fact that I am forced to see you everyday is not helping one bit. but I do try.
and try I must.

La la land machine <3

today was a crap day.

I Think My Blog Is My Best Friend, ehh, guess it's better than a real person, because it doesn't critisize me.

Kay so,
I think I might like this guy, let's call him, hmmm, Jack. yea.
but I don't know,
I like this other guy too, well I don't know if I really like him,let's call him, hmm, Leo, he doesn't seem to notice me as more than as a friend, which I guess is good, I don't think I'm really crushing over Leo, but I don't know, my feelings toward him are kind of more than friends, but definitely not a crush, but not like a best friend. maybe I'm just going crazy.
So about "Jack" I don't really know if there IS anything there, I don't even know if there's FRIENDSHIP for starters, we kind of just talk. but idk, we laugh, and we joke but it's never really serious, except for today when he's like "You can tell me anything, I'm here for you" but of course I didn't tell Jack my problems, because he would probably do the same thing my mother is doing. D:
Anyways, I didn't tell him, so we just talked some more, and I was like REALLY depressed, ish, whatevs, and the bell rang and I was like FINALLY. then we bumped into eachother, me and Jack, and I was like OH SHIT, and booked it out of the room.
maybe I just have problems and it's nothing.
or maybe it's something, and it's going to hit me when I least expect it.
fml?

I Think I Kinda Sorta Hate You?

The name basically says it all.
I guess I don't hate you,
but you have made me this way,
it's just a phase,
a little crush,
a little confusion,
a little heart "break" .
I've gone through this before,
I cried my heart out over you,
I thougt I was SOOOO over you,
thought the summer would let me heal, but no.
I thought about you everday, wondering if I'll just randomly bump into you,
and I would be happy.
I guess I was happy enough.
but school started again,
I saw you every day,
I still have to,
The fact that you don't notice me nor care about me anymore hurts me.
I don't NEED to be cared about or noticed, but we used to be like best friends, talked EVERY day,
But now,
I realize that those days meant nothing to you,
Just someway to cure your boredom.
you have made your mark in my heart, and I don't think it's ever going away.

Fridays Are Boring

title basically says it all.
i did nothing today
science quiz.. fail.
music... substitute teacher, hate supplies in music
religion... psalm presentations. good times, nawt.
english... dramatizations, fackin EPIC EPIC EPIC fail. xD
got home,
did nothing,
facebooked, youtubed, tweeted, fmylife-d.
xD
talked to people.
basically it.
my life bores me.

FML

today,
i feel empty,
i don't know why,
i feel like there is nothing inside me anymore,
no reason to go on,
i'm not going to go kill myself or anything,
but i seriously see no point.
i mean, we all end up dieing anyways, right?
life sucks, and then you die. quoted from Breaking Dawn, Book 2.
but seriously, isn't that true?
i believe in the saying, "God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle"
but how the hell are we supposed to get through it?
he doesn't give us that answer.
we are supposed to find a way out of it.
but HOW?
if it just keeps going and going and going,
its never, ever, going to stop.
and i have been trying too,
way too hard,
i've lost for trying.
my life fucking sucks.
i've lost friends, i've lost everyone, heck, i've even lost myself.
i feel no more emotion anymore,
and it's like my body is just there,
but i'm not.
i don't think i was meant to be put on this earth,
but then again, why am i here ?
so many questions, NONE of them answered.
my life is a fairytale, with no happy ending,
no, its not even a fairytale, its a nightmare,
from the moment i was born, all it has been is hell.
there have been some points where i did believe i could escape,
but then i got stuck,
and sucked back into my nightmare.
i'm going to say this, not because i'm overly obsessed or ANYTHING,
but i can relate to Isabella Swan right now,
i don't fit in, in the human world,
i have no special talents,
maybe i was born to be something extraordinary,
vampires and werewolves probably don't exist, but who knows,
maybe there IS something more for me,
beyond this life,
and i will find it someday,
but for now,
i'm still living in my nightmare, my hell.